He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
