12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR