Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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