can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
