I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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