Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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