Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
