How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
