I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
