swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
