Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
