That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
