So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
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