So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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