the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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