Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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