so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
