We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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