yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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