My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
