I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
