Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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