Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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