just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
