listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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