I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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