Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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