I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
