oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
