I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
