Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
