Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
