New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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