please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
