Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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