hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
