god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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