I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
