Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
