i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Randomize
