we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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