I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
