My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
