I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
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I could fuck to npr.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize