I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
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Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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