had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
