hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
