pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
