At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
