I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
