Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.