I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...