Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
please come you make the beer taste better
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????