She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
