I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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