he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
