I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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