I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
