I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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