I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
