i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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