Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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