dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
