Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just pee around me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
